Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
