So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My feet surprised me
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