You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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