upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
