My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
