No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
