I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The convent might be a nice break from real life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
