my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My vagina is officially offended.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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