I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
