Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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