Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
