Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
