I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
