glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize