I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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