Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
