so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
