Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
