I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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