In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
