yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
