Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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