My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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