Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
