Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
