Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
