hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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