They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
