I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
