You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
