you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
