Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
