everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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