Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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