dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
