He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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