Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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