Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm too high and old for this...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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