We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
