Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Found your dick twin last night
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
