You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize