How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
