4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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