WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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