Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
