I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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