Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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