3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize