i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
