im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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