my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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