oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am midnight drunk by noon
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
