My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
