I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I have grass duct taped all over my body
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
