I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
