why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
