No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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