Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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