Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
