Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize