he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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