trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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