So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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