chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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