She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
