like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
