if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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