There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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