There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I bet he comes in French.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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